6. God who responds to my prayer terrifically even when I pray terribly
7. Rekindling of first love
8. The conversation between the children…
9. Heart is like an priceless antique
10. Dung Fly Flown to the Feces
6. God Who Responds to My Prayer Terrifically Even When I Pray Terribly
This is the story about when I took the practical skills test in art for the college entrance exam. I applied to “H,” a prestigious university of fine arts, under the notion that I should graduate from this very best university in order to be a talented painter who draws Heavens, which was my wish to testify for God with my paintings.
The day before the test, I just couldn’t sit around, so I took the subway from Incheon to Seoul and went to “H” university. It’s wintertime and so cold that the stadium stand was like a sheet of ice, but I was sitting there and prayed hotly. “God! I’d like to prove You with my paintings in excelsis. This is my ardent hope. If I study at this famous arts school, I can be a better painter and my drawings for You will be improved. So please let me be accepted to this university and make my dream come true.”
The next day, during the fine arts performance test, I had to sketch a plaster sculpture and watercolor paintings because my specialty was in western painting. However, the test subjects were the sculpture that I’ve felt difficult with the most, and still-life watercolor painting that I was not confident in. I was stumped, but I drew eagerly, thinking that they were trials to pass.
Before long, I went to secondary choice “S” university to take the test. In the morning, a plaster sculpture test! First, there’s drawing lots for the seat in the painting test room. By the way, I picked the seat that was my most favorite, which was the right-side half lateral angle and the rear seat! I was cheered up and excited, but there’s another wonder. When the black fabric cover was lifted from the sculpture, it was “Arias,” that I liked the most and was confident of. The art academy teacher told that there’s not much possibility that “Arias” would be the test subject this year—but what’s going on?
The most uncanny thing was the dream I had the night before the test day. In my dream, the Arias plaster figure of right-side half lateral angle was on the table in elementary school, and the ray of sunshine through the window was illuminating Arias. How marveled and confident I was, since the test was exactly the same as the scene I saw in my dream. I sketched it with satisfaction in my heart.
After lunch, I was stunned once more when I saw the still objects on the table for the watercolor painting test. I dropped by the art institution to do the last practice before the next day exam. I drew chrysanthemum and apples because I prayed for the still objects I should practice and received the inspiration to draw them. And then, the test subjects were they and a few others that I could draw well. I was exhilarated and finished that watercolor painting test to my great satisfaction.
After all, I failed to gain acceptance into the dreamt “H” university but got accepted to “S” university, where I drew the Arias plaster figure. I had a wonderful time in university studying hard, evangelizing, and praying with seniors frequently since there were many church seniors who went to the same “S” university, even though I had lingering attachment for “H.” Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop wondering: Why did He send me to this university? What was the real reason that He wanted me to study here, even giving me the inspiration through the dream?
One day after one year, I ran into a high school friend on the subway who was accepted to “H” university. I really admired her, but her appearance had drastically changed. I could smell liquor from her badly, and when she talked about her philosophy of painting, I lost my envy for her right away.
The next day, I talked about this incident to my senior from the church.
“Perhaps, you could have been like her unless God led you to this university to teach you deep faith first. Isn’t the ultimacy of arts faith, and the ultimacy of faith—that is, God? If you were accepted to that university, you might have improved in skills of painting, but you couldn’t have this much faith that you have now. You will be able to paint outstanding Heaven drawings since you concentrate on faith first at this school. God saw through your nature and led you to the best meaning road, despite you prayed to be accepted to the top arts school to be the best painter. Another word, you prayed terribly—God responded terrifically. (ha-ha)”
My question was answered at these remarks like the snow melted. The notion that “Only if I graduate from the prestigious university, I can be the best Heaven painter by being an eminent professional” was my superficial thought. “The best arts are able only when you know God properly and then express Him wholly, who is the ultimacy of Faith!” was the omniscient God’s thought.
I thanked God heartfeltly because He didn’t reproach but looked into my heart and guided me to the best way and purpose, even when I prayed foolishly. And also, I prayed sincerely that He always leads me by His will in making so many choices of life, whether they are big or small.
7. Rekindling of First Love
I once was in deep anguish with the question, “Why is my heart not delighted nor zealous like before even though I’m still taking part in church missions and work so actively?” I finally realized that “I’ve lost the savor of faith. It has turned into a habitual practice, ostensible faith.” And the reason the flavor of faith went stale was because I lost my first love for God.
Like you can’t taste food properly if you lose your taste buds, although you’re full with that dish, faith is the same way ‘the savor of faith’, can’t be felt properly if you lose the sense of love which brings about spiritual inspiration. Then there’s no passion in it no matter what religious activities you do, such as worship, prayer, or praise.
I was not passionate, and my religious life was not delightful once I had lost my first love for Him. When I prayed entreatingly: “God! I’ve lost my first love for You, and I feel like I’m dead even though I’m still breathing. I’m torn apart. I’d like to regain that love.” Then two recollections came to my mind, when my faith was most pious and zealous.
(First Memory)
At that time, I was a college student. It was almost 1:00 AM when I got home from school by the last subway. I took a quick shower and lay down to sleep, but I was not tired nor sleepy because I was in such a good mood. I was repeating these words under the duvet cover until I fell asleep: “Night! Please pass by swiftly… can’t wait for the dawn… come quickly, daybreak… please…” Before long, the morning alarm woke me up. I got myself ready speedily in a perky mood and took the subway around 6:00 AM. At 8:00 AM, I arrived at the college. There was a small mountain in front of the art school building. I used to pray and praise on that mountain, breathing in fresh air with a classmate who had transferred to the arts major. I was enthusiastic since my spiritual battery was fully charged. I studied diligently, evangelized, preached the gospel sitting on the grass, hit the books at the library, snacked on my favorites. When the fulfilled day was about to close, I took the last subway home to Incheon. I was enjoying every moment of life and felt the true meaning of happiness at that time.
(Second Memory)
I took a part-time job giving art lessons twice a week to a student whose home was located nearby Hoegi Station in Seoul when I was a junior in college. It was a five-hour round trip from my home—bus, subway, bus. I wasn’t paid enough for that trouble, but I couldn’t be happier because those commuting times were “the time to talk to God, dating with Him.” I used to close my eyes right away when I found a seat on the subway. The seat felt like a sofa in a café, and the subway felt like the café. While I told Him so many ups and downs in life, the subway arrived at Hoegi Station already. My heart started beating fast with excitement at the moment I put my shoes on after the two-hour lesson. The subway arrived at East-Incheon Station already while I was still telling Him stories I couldn’t finish. I have remembered what the taste and feeling was like to be in love with God for the first time through this retrospection.
- The most intense love is the first love!
- Someone you hold dearest without reasons, unconditionally! you would do anything for him!
- Someone who thinks of me, takes care of me and shows his love for me unceasingly!
- Love that I can never be fed up with!
If you lose the feeling you had at first for God, you become lukewarm, or you might lose your faith totally—just like lovers or married couples who turn their backs on each other when they lose their first feelings. I was deeply sorry that I couldn’t keep that feeling while God never changes His feeling for me. Now I am determined not to lose my first love by remembering those feelings I had at first and keeping them to the end through constant effort of love.
8. The Conversation Between the Children
I teach drawing to children at a 177-square-feet small atelier. Three children who live in the same apartment came together and sat down at 5:00 PM. An 8-year-old boy was sitting in the middle of an 8-year-old girl and a 9-year-old girl. They were all close friends since they lived in the same apartment building. The boy started talking joyfully while drawing, full of excitement. “God is giving me a lot of grace nowadays! There was a toy I wanted and mom bought it for me. And other toys keep coming also. He is pouring grace to me. Ha ha!”
So I said to him: “Oh! dear OO, you must be doing good things. God is blessing you with fortune because you’re a good boy.”
The boy replied: “Not at all. I haven’t done anything good. I didn’t listen to mom all the time and harassed my younger brother.” He scratched his head in embarrassment. At that moment, I was at a loss for words, and the two girls sitting on both sides looked at him at the same time and started talking in raised voices.
9-year-old: “Hey! It’s not a blessing! If you are not nice, then you can’t be rewarded! It’s just pure luck. A coincidental windfall. Far from grace… gee!”
8-year-old: “Indeed! You can be rewarded only when you do good. You get punished if you do bad. How come you don’t even know this?”
Their voices were very confident and determined. The boy couldn’t talk back. I nodded my head and pondered over this…
‘It’s true that God gives all of us ‘an inborn conscience’. Even a child knows without being taught that you to be rewarded if you are good and you to be punished if you are bad. There’s no way you can be blessed when you do bad things and although you’re lucky it’s just pure luck not God’s blessing… even a little child knows this but the grown ups are ….’When God created the human beings, He made us be enable to know and feel in ‘conscience’ good and evil, reward and chastisement according to the deed. We all human beings can discern between good and evil. People just choose to sin not because they can’t discern.”
God gave all of us conscience of good and evil whether you believe in God or not. Nobody kills or harm other people without knowing it’s a sin. Everybody knows that how good is to do good but they just forget this truth by living lives of their own wills. This world would be much better only if we don’t forget the fact that fortune and misfortune in life depend on our own deed.
9. Heart Is Like a Priceless Antique
While I was giving an art class, I happened to look out the window and saw an old couple passing by. At first I glanced without thought, then something drew me to stand closer to the window. They looked to be in their late seventies or early eighties. The grandmother was sitting in a wheelchair, and the grandfather was pushing it. He wore a hat and vest; she wore a flower-printed hat and dazzling plum-colored clothing, neat and tidy.
He stopped to check whether she was comfortable. She seemed weak to walk but not ill. Since it was sunny, she gestured that she wanted to sit on the wooden stairway next to the atelier to rest. He seated her gently and stood straight like a beefeater guarding a king, holding the wheelchair handles. His eyes gazed at her with a smile of love. I could feel the caring look of a father for his baby.
She sent him a sign to get going as if she had enough rest and he sat her on the wheelchair carefully. He straightened her clothes and put her hat fast in worry that her side-turned hat wouldn’t block the sunshine. And then, He patted her wrinkled cheek tenderly with full of love. The grandmother was feeling his hand like she didn’t mind it. I was choked up with emotion and my eyes were filled with tears without knowing. ‘It’s truly beautiful. genuine love. I should love Divine like that…’ Then, it occurred to me the thought that I’ve had it for a long time.
The thought is… ‘I will be a grandma someday? My back will be bent with age and my face will be wrinkled? Would God tell me that he still loves me and my wrinkled face looks beautiful to his eyes even when I’m old? To God, I look prettier than Miss Korea even though my appearance is of an old grandma if I lived my life with persistence of love for him.’
The grandfather who was looking at his wife’s wrinkled face with full of love, he was watching her with the eyes of heart. They probably had loved each other in different way from now, different memories when they were young but I felt that their love is still the same back then or now under the name of “Love”. This thought came to my mind again as I was watching them.
‘None the more, ‘love of heart’ is the most beautiful love. It won’t fade away and on the contrary it’s more valuable and precious like an expensive antique. Give him constant love then God who looks into heart will be with me saying he loves me, cherishes me like the apple of his eye always even when I’m old and and wretched.’
10. Dung Fly Flown to the Feces
Since I have a habit of not getting up for breaks once I start drawing, my shoulders were always stiff, and I suffered chronic headaches. I feared serious illness if I continued like that without exercise. Then I remembered the words the Holy Son told me: “Your whole body will be ill if your shoulders harden. Take care of your health in order to paint. Draw pictures and exercise obligatorily.”
So, I started taking exercise lessons in the resolution ‘I can’t go on like this any more!’ I was walking back home from the workout institute in the morning. Walking the street, covering my head with the hood of the jumper so as not to get my face tanned from the sunlight and my head was downed in effort to avoid the UV rays. Therefore I could see even the tiny litter on the sidewalk clearly. There were 4-5 small fecal pellets one foot ahead and they looked like the puppy’s. The sight caught my eyes particularly on that day as I walked by in thinking
‘some puppy did his business on the street.’ There were 4 dung flies stuck fast on the feces like the hyenas on its prey. It looked like as if the dung fly family having a feast with feces. I couldn’t see their face but they looked very contented.
At that moment, this thought occurred to me. ‘Dung flies gather to the dungs automatically. It’s the best food for them. It is like this. The evildoers are attracted to evil, Satan approaches to the place where sins are. The wicked feels the happiness in doing evil just like the dung fly is happy for eating the dung.
Bees are drawn to the fragrant flowers, Satans are drawn to the smell of sin. Have you ever seen the bee on the dung? To the wicked “evil” is the perfect partner no matter what. Like the dung fly eats the dung naturally, it’s nature for the bad lives on evil. Like the feces are the most delicious food for them, ‘evil’ is the most delicacy to the evil man.
To God, those sinners who grip on to evil probably look like the dung flies on the dungs. Those dog turds will be taken away by the street sweeper before long and the flies will stop coming. Like this, God won’t let it be and will certainly destroy evil.’
After watching the dung flies, I was determined once again that ‘Only judgments will be left for the evildoers in the end. I must try my best not to be an evil person at any cost.’